I gotta rethink how I am doing things…I have become far too dependent on myself. Maybe I’ve become prideful, I don’t know, I’m just sick of hearing myself talk for all the lessons. My companion really doesn’t understand Spanish well enough to respond to a comment or question confidently yet. I end up doing most of the talking because I know the lessons and feel like I can teach the lessons, but I have to remember that we teach people not lessons and that requires something more. I am not sure that I have what it takes to really rely on the Lord and the Spirit to guide the lessons. I need to humble myself more and not let my emotions replace the fruits of the Spirit. Nothing makes me more annoyed that when we waste time or when a lesson goes too long because someone won’t stop talking. Mexican women talk for hours, just them, no one else has to say anything. You might as well put a cardboard cut-out of missionaries with those people. But anyway, I need to take a step back and re-evaluate. I need to simplify what I teach and focus more on the person and teaching with love and the Spirit.
I hate Thursday, weekly planning with someone who really doesn’t like you is awful. He says that I try so hard to be someone that I’m not. This weekly planning was about an hour of arguing and 2 hours of silence. He ended up calling the President actually, but didn’t complain to him and just asked a few questions. Really the biggest problem is that he wants me to care about his personal issues, and he doesn’t believe that I do. He said, “If you really cared, then you would at least try to understand me.” I get it. he comes from a sad situation and has had lots of problems in his life. His only hope is the gospel. He wants me to try to understand the pain that he feels, but I don’t want that pain, why would anyone want to dwell in the painful past. I want to help him move forward out of the pain. I guess that I am bad at the “mourn with those that mourn” thing. I don’t know how to do this. He points out all my flaws and my very average traits. That doesn’t bother me because I want to improve and I know that I can’t without correction.
I’ll admit that I am impatient especially when he wants to waste money on fast foods. I will straight up state my opinion in an exasperated tone. But, I will go to Carl’s Jr. or half way across town to look for protein powder. Whatever. It’s all so stupid that I don’t really even know what the problem is between us. Something is broken. I could listen and do everything he wants me to do with a sweet demeanor, but it would all be a lie. I would be faking. I don’t want to be fake. I want him to stand up and be a man because that is how it is and no amount of rehashing, weeping, wailing, or complaining will change anything in his past. Maybe that is too harsh. Maybe I have something broken with my ability to really love people. I want him to get over the past and figure out that he is in a good place now. Just let go of the fear and move forward with faith. That’s what I feel like and was taught throughout my life. The only problem is that he hates that phrase and it triggers him to think about everything bad about his father. I am only writing all this out to try to figure out what I am doing wrong and how I can fix it. I think that I have become very passive aggressive out of spite, impatience, or something else. I know that it is not the way to fix things and it just deepens the wounds. So why am I doing it? I’ve just got to suck it up and change what I can change. Elder M. could understand him and get along with him.
I have always been the kind of a person that when I say something in my head, it sounds fine, but when I say it out loud, I realize how stupid it is and how prideful it makes me seem to be. Maybe this is a social skill I still need to develop. My companion says that what I say and how I say it makes me sound like a prideful jerk and everyone else thinks this too except they are all little pansies who can’t say it to my face. Maybe that’s true and that’s how I treat people without intending to. He also told me that the only thing he has learned from me is how NOT to be a missionary and that he has been miserable this entire time with me. He told me that I won’t have any friends if I go home like this and that no one will ever love me or want to be around me. Maybe he is right about all the crazy stuff he says about me, I don’t know. He is right when he says that I am trying to be someone that I am not. I am a natural man, and I am trying not to be. Maybe in trying to lose myself in the service of others, I forgot about my companion. Maybe I am just emotionally dead, sometimes I really feel like I am. For example, Dad’s sickness never really bothered me. I just didn’t feel any sadness. Why? Am I past feeling like it says in the scriptures? I just don’t know.
Other than that, we didn’t do much today. We didn’t leave the apartment until 6:30 ish to go give a blessing. I don’t know how we would be worthy to give a blessing with so much contention in our hearts, but we did it anyway. Then we went to teach a lesson but ended up just answering some questions and reading a few scriptures. The work can't be done like this. I guess I’m so much of a robot missionary that I care about the work more than I care about my companion. I am tired….
April 14, 2017
Well it’s almost 11 AM and my companion is still in bed. He isn’t even sleeping, just lying there awake. Whatever, I’m not going to tell him to work because apparently I can’t do it nicely, “when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Let’s see how this day plays out for us. We have divisions tomorrow so that’s something to look forward to.
Well it turned out to be an interesting day. We fought again, worse than last time and he went to a cyber to talk to some of his friends online. I can’t even be mad about that. Anyway, the zone leaders were on divisions close to us so one pair came over to see us and separate us for an hour or so. That really helped. It just gave us both time to think without being so frustrated and angry. We took a step back which helped. Here’s my resolve, I’m not going to try to understand him because I literally can’t. I know that if I actually did understand him, I would have never treated him the way that I did or have said the things that I said. Like before Christ suffered and payed the price I don’t think that he completely understood our pain. Did he still love others and treat them better than anyone else ever could? Yes, but in my opinion, I don’t think he really understood exactly how we felt until after the atonement. I am going to let that thought drive my actions. That is that if I understood my companions completely, then I could treat him how the Savior would. We talked and both apologized. That’s not to say that everything is done and fixed, heck no, there’s a long way to go still. Now, we just both have to change. We still have divisions tomorrow and Sunday, so I think the time will also help a little. If this is what marriage is like. I don’t want to get married.
Also, I am developing bad ingrown toenails…the Blanchard/Colvin curse.
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